So today was likely the most dramatic to date. I’ve already give you some of the groundwork, but let’s just say the rest of the day didn’t disapoint. I’ll break it up into several posts, but there’s no way I’m going to get them done tonight as heaven is about to open up which means I’ll lose my connection. Don’t worry, I’ll have all the drama up by tomorrow.
They’re cooking bacon this morning. I can’t hide from it, the smell is everywhere. Needless to say, I am not happy.
But there appears to be a nice subplot that has developed, which makes me feel a hell of a lot better. Want a clue to what it is? Here’s a hint:
Any guesses? No?
Well my grandmother feels horrible for eating in front of me in addition to everyone breaking my chops regarding my food situation. So bad in fact that she has subtly suggested that should the transgressions reach a boiling point she just might stop cooking for everyone. That, having eaten her food for many many years, would suck.
No one knows the fine art of deterrence better than she does, proved by threatening a f-bomb (no, not the curse, but rather “food”). So now its a balancing act: break my chops enough to satisfy the urge (because you can’t fully suppress it), but not so much as to piss off the matriarch. Kissinger couldn’t have done it better.
I told you grandma has my back.
While it might be the weekend for the rest of the world, today is just another day in my week, albeit one step closer to the end. While you’re likely sitting in front of the boob tube, I stupidly brought a few cookbooks to read, because that’s truly what I do in my spare time. I wholeheartedly regret that decision now. I had to bury them in the deepest recesses of my tent to keep their black magic away. So today I think I need something more substantial. Thankfully, due to some clever scouting, I have a few options.
Seagulls unfortunately are out. I really wanted to nab a “pigeon of the sea” more out of curiosity than anything else, but there doesn’t appear to be any around. That sucks because I want revenge for the mortadella and provolone hero (sub, hoagie, grinder, etc; sandwich descriptions are not a unified language) they stole from me back in the summer of ‘97. It was a really good sandwich.
We all know my obsession with squirrels, so that’s still on the table. My friend Kara mentioned that yesterday was Friday the 13th, and that I shouldn’t tempt fate. Being half Sicilian, that’s something you just don’t mess with. Additionally, my friend Tony sent me a separate warning regarding squirrels; I’m a big fan of that graphic.
While the brains are not at the top of my culinary list, its likely that once I got my hands on a cooked squirrel I’d eat anything that wouldn’t choke me. So squirrel brains are out, but squirrel meat is still in, if I can wring one of their scrawny little necks.
Yesterday I happened to see some ducks go by. While its a huge longshot, duck is one of my favorite meats. Fatty, all dark and delicious, it would be easy to cook and even easier to eat. Sure its likely a pipe dream, but its my pipe dream. I’d club Donald over the head and not think twice about it while Mickey watched. Hell I’d eat Mickey and Minny if given the chance.
More likely to be my prey of choice today will be rabbit. I’ve seen a few of them around, and yesterday was no more than 10 ft from one; sadly I had left my throwing stick back at base and by the time I got a new one it was long gone. Hopefully we’ll have some good footage of me crawling through the weeds like my idol Bear Grylls, clubbing one of the little buggers; if I do, I’ll be running up and down the street for an hour screaming while doing an victory dance. I imagine a call to the cops soon afterwards.
Thankfully, if I ever get truly desperate, I always have one other option:
Hopefully the neighbors won’t mind too much that I turned the family pet into cat-kebabs.
I know I won’t.