The Hungry Barbarian

Jessica and John, tied at 14lbs.  If they can email me, I’ll figure out something nice to give them.  Maybe a pat on the back, my throwing stick.  Perhaps even an honorary tomato, I don’t know.

They’re still a bit short though.  The final tally was actually 19 lbs.  I guess living like a refugee for a week will do that to you.

More than a few people have mentioned that they should go on a crash diet like this.  If you can eat mussels once a day for 5 days and then have an onion and a tomato be my guest.

Its still better than being this guy, who I’ve been said to have a passing resemblence to:

Jared Fogle

Want to know how much weight you can lose on the all mussel diet?  Take a guess, I’ll post the result tomorrow. 

Don’t you hate cliffhangers?

So I’ve been reading a few survival guides since the end of my fiasco to learn what I did right and wrong.  While I did do a surprising number of things right,  the obvious number of things wrong is far more interesting, and amusing.  Consider this number one in a long series.

Today’s lesson focuses on the fine art of seagull hunting.  If anyone has a good memory, I had previosly discussed my theory on how to catch a seagull with my grandfather, which can be summed up in the following quote, “I figure if I can lure one close enough, I can throw a crab net over it and then wring its neck.”  Seemed logical to both of us at the time, and it still does now.  

The true way to do it however is wayyyyyyy cooler.

In the “SAS Survival Handbook” the author gives a detailed despcription on how to catch flying sea rats:

Seagulls can be caught by wrapping food around a stone and throwing it in the air.  The gull swallows the bait while still on the wing, gulping down the stone with it, and the  change in weight causes the bird to crash.  Obviously this is a technique for use over land rather than at sea.  Be ready to dispatch the bird as soon as it hits the ground.

Now when I had originally thought about taking down a gull, I naturally wanted to try the old Alka Seltzer trick.  Sadly, that was debunked as a myth.  Turns out the half assed method I concocted isn’t even that ridiculous when compared to the truth.  To be honest I’m a bit disappointed.

It’s just too bad I don’t have a 101 fastball, otherwise I would have been eating bird all week:

So I am indeed alive.

While its a beautiful day out, needless to say I haven’t left the house much. I have a sun rash which needs some time to clear up, and along with the dizziness its best I properly give my body time to heal. I’ve spent more than enough time outside this week and I think a day off on the couch being pampered is duly needed. Besides for the first time in a week I smell somewhat decent and I don’t want to ruin that.

While it was a tough go, the first meal of the day, the egg sandwich, did stay down. There were some intestinal effects, as others predicted, but it was well well worth it. If not the best breakfast I’ve ever had, though it was damn good, it was definitely the most cherished.

More importantly though for the first time in a week I had three square meals, drank something other than water, and haven’t thought of mussels in hours. There was a time (yesterday) when they were haunting my dreams.

I’m taking the rest of the night off, to try and get the soot out of my hands, but I’ll be back up and running tomorrow. There is a lot of stuff to tie up, like my thoughts on some of the comments that came in. Oh, I definitely have a few favorites, so prepare to be mocked.

So until then, enjoy your bed, because I know I’ll be enjoying mine.

Second to the conch of course.

Yup that’ a spider crab.  My grandfather was under the impression that they wouldn’t taste good, but I decided to try it anyway; after the conch incident I didn’t know what to believe.  I actually enjoyed it quite a bit.  Still its repulsive to look at…..like your face!!!  Ohhhh!!!

Seriously, just humor me.

Its 3 am. Needless to say I can’t sleep. I survived the night, though it was a bit of a battle. That was a monster storm to sit through:

And that’s before the wind hit. Had to do some equipment repositioning to secure the corners for that as the tent almost flipped over. Mother Nature did indeed get the last laugh.

But now? Dead silence. Except for the crickets of course.

And me, counting down the minutes.

So with thunder in the background and the clatter of knives on plates nearby, I’ve decided its time for bed. There’s only 12 hours left of this madness.

It’s likely going to be a rough last night which has led to an ironic finish; I had to lend my spare flashlights to my family because the power is threatening to go off. As they said, “Its going to be a rough night for the Barbarian.”

Apparently taking my dinner wasn’t enough; Mother Nature is trying to intimidate me right to the very end.

That’s ok though. I’ve been though it all before, and besides, I have an 8 am wake-up call tomorrow that I don’t want to miss it by a second.

It’s for the best breakfast I’ll ever have.

I wrote this in the middle of my adventure, day 4:

My aversion to mussels is reaching an all time high.  I really hate the damn things.  I don’t chew them, just swallow them whole, gagging the whole way.  In fact, just watching me eat is grossing out everyone else, thus, I’ve been looking at alternative foods sources.  Thankfully, I think I found the answer:

Once upon a time that was likely my arch-nemesis (though without dental records that can’t be confirmed), the squirrel.  Sure I didn’t make the kill, a Range Rover or a Mercedes likely did the dirty work, but am I really going to complain?  Its a bit dried out, but that might work to my favor.  I hope there are no maggots in there, questionable because there’s an awful lot of flies hovering around.

But I’m also feeling a little more health conscious these days, and my parents are always reminding me to watch my cholesterol.  White meat is the only substitute:   

Unfortunately there’s not much meat on those bones and I’ve awfully hungry, I’m going to need more than that.  Thankfully, nature (and traffic) provides all:

I got options baby, options.

I’ve had some problems making a fire lately though; I can’t seem to get it to last long enough.  This has been a big problem while trying to boil water for those damn disgusting mussels.  Thankfully, I found a finished product that would save me the hassle:

If only I found some blue cheese sauce, I’d be set!

While I really am joking about eating most of this stuff (ok, quarter joking) I did see about 3-4 giant strawberries smashed on the roadside.  I didn’t stop to take a picture, because I would have eaten them if I did.  

I regret not making that stop.