Dan Sez: Bear Grylls Is A Pansy
This is the first in a series of posts from friends and family giving their thoughts on this social experiment. I welcome anyone else who wants to write something.
Dan has been my best friend since second grade and decided to write on my qualifications for success:
Sorry ladies, and you gents who may be upset by the headline of this blog (Zach), but it’s true.
I have been chosen by the barbarian himself to explain how incredibly unqualified this idiot is to attempt to survive a week outside of a house filled with such incredible amounts of food and accoutrement that Donald Trump would gladly retire there.
I have seen the barbarian play Super Smash Bros for N64 for 15 hours straight. I have seen him play countless hours of wiffle ball, tirelessly throwing pitch after pitch. I have seen him sit and read like a champ. He was a mean kickball player as a kid too. Where am I going with this? Well, my friends, these are just a mere few out of a wealth of qualifications possessed by our dear barbarian.
I’ve seen him fish - he hooked my mother in the nose. The most exercise I’ve seen him get recently was when he tore apart a Cornish hen at dinner the other night. We all know he wears glasses - aka his eyesight is less than stellar, good thing sight isn’t something that will make or break you in the wild. He isn’t nimble.
However! I am not able to bet against this man. As unqualified as he is, he has two things going for him. First, he isn’t dumb. Actually, he is one of the most logical weird persons I’ve ever known. His ability to analyze a situation and develop the best course of action in attaining/achieving the goal is a definite strong suit for the barbarian. He will find creative rule appeasing ways to survive.
It is going to get ugly.
He may eat an earthworm or two when he gets really desperate, but that is barring he actually becomes really desperate. With the legal tools he has to use, he definitely has the ability to lock up food and resources for the week on the first day alone! Shellfish are going to be a staple of his diet - thank god he will be surrounded by water. The second reason that I can’t bet against him is the fact that I have never seen the barbarian quit. True to form he will scratch, claw, bite, maim without prejudice, attack, and defend, literally, until he overcome!
His obstacle at the moment is a 7 day test of will, survival, heart, and soul. I pity the fool who dares test these aspects of our barbarians life.
He will survive, and possibly thrive sans paprika and time, ribs and chops, etc. etc. He will last the duration of the challenge, uglier, slower, and way fancier, than that pansy expert surrounded by all his professional staffers.
I repeat, Bear Grylls is a pansy.